So, it's "back to their place" after a romantic £1-a-pint liaison in the SU. Here's the Fresh Direction guide to those personality- revealing features of the 'student bedroom'…ENTER AT YOUR OWN PERIL.

SPOTTED! Bob Marley 'spliff' poster (guys)
Run like the wind! This is the paper-based equivalent of doing on-the-spot Austin Powers' impersonations and, by law, you could have this guy done under the Trade Descriptions Act. He's no more a rock'n'roll spliff-snaffler than you're the Queen of Sheba. In reality, one whiff of his mother's perfume would put this bloke flat on his back. He's childish, immature and to make him suffer, start questioning him on Marley's illustrious career. He probably thinks he's still alive, kicking and captain of the Brazilian football team.

SPOTTED! Teddy Bears (girls)
One or two furry friends liberally dotted around is really rather endearing. But if a girl's bed is blanketed in teddies of every creed, colour and religious persuasion - locate the nearest fire exit. Whatever you do, don't spill lager on them or blow smoke in their eyes - bears have feelings too, don't you know? Her cuddly collection is in fact a smokescreen for chronic insecurity and demonic obsession. If things ever progress 'romantically', you'll be sharing pillow room with her tiny chums and, heaven forbid you should ever dump this damsel, her psychotic tendencies will surface and Bunnykins is not the only one who'll be stuffed!

SPOTTED! CDs arranged in alphabetical order (unisex)
This is not about commendable tidiness or impressive organisation. This is frightening. Going out with this person will be about as much fun as barbequing your own eyeballs. And if you dare put Bryan Adams in the 'B' section and not next to Abba in the 'As', they'll blank you in lectures from that day forth. Make your excuses and leave…

SPOTTED! CDs by any of the following artists: Steps, Venga Boys, Jane McDonald, Claire Sweeney…(unisex)
Locating music made by any of the above performers is the aural equivalent of finding a human head in the freezer. Not even the well-worn 'irony' excuse will dig them out of this audio hole, believe us. Either this person is totally lacking in social graces and taste and their behaviour bodes unwell for a high-pitched and irritating future or they were brought up by religious maniacs or are paid-up members of some weird cult. Keep your wits about you and don't look into their eyes.

SPOTTED! Excessive amounts of textbooks and stationery (unisex)
Unless this is an elaborate 'comedy' blag by a feckless joker, here we have a classic case of the academic obsessive who's only invited you back to find out what you got in the History exam. "Sharing lecture notes" is about as intimate as your relationship will get and should you get 1% more than them in a test - your life won't be worth living. If you're wavering between thoughts of 'super loony' and 'simply studious', remember - freshly sharpened pencils point to the former (and possibly your head).

SPOTTED! My house is your house, my carpet your ashtray! (unisex)
You've had night of mayhem and mirth and now you're stood 20 fag ends deep and fighting off flies. What you initially considered a delirious, 'devil-may-care' attitude in your date is now manifesting itself as a severe case of Lazyarseitus: a medical condition no amount of hint-dropping and deodorant-squirting will cure. Whilst you're choking on the smell of stale socks, chew on this: if they haven't washed their underwear since last Christmas, the mind boggles as to the rest of their being! End visit a.s.a.p. and go bathe thyself in bleach.

SPOTTED! Skulls, wigs, David Bowie and lots of black (unisex)
There's gothic and then there's 'get me the hell outta here!' We're not talking a few plastic Buddha from the market or black-cherry lipstick, we're looking at voodoo dolls in pencil cases and whacked out potions in the teapot. No matter how much you fancy this one, take it from us, you'll never drag a sensible word from their purple lips since they spend their student life PRETENDING they're suspended in some 'higher' limbo. It's likely they come from Scunthorpe, study sports science and about as dangerous as Cheese String… but surely this is scary enough.